FINALLY!!

After everything that's happened with Uni, I have finished my first major assignment, and am pretty much on my way to hand it in. I have no idea if I have done it correctly, as I missed the cut off date for handing in drafts. I went through a moment of panic when I realised that if I do not reach at least a 'Credit' mark with this, I will have to see the Student Support officer, three one hour sessions, on sticking to criteria and word limits, and etc. For some reason, this thought terrifies me more than actually seeing the mark on my assignment at the end of the Easter Break.

Basically, I am worried that I am going to need to see a tutor. I barely have enough time in the week for everything as it is, and it is only going to get busier. But, as the saying goes, we have to do what we have to do. Besides, it's not like it's going to hurt me to speak to someone about it anyway. It's been a long time since I've had to hand in an essay. It's been a long time since I've actually had to *write* an essay!

God help me... this is one of the times when I sit down and think, 'Why am I doing this to myself?' What sane, sensible person suddenly decides on a whim to undertake a four year pause on their life? Oh yeah, only the other couple of hundred mature-age students attending this Uni as well! That thought doesn't make me feel so bad, as I'm not the eldest person who started Uni this year, nor will I be the eldest to graduate at the end of it. If they can all do it, then so can I.

I know I can be a melodramatic person, but I act before I think. Or in this case, I'm reacting before I've considered all sides of it. In saying that though, I know my limits physically and mentally. I've almost had a breakdown before, and I will not let myself get back to that point again.

I have a great deal of respect for people who are going through things a lot tougher than I have ever had to, my cousin-in-law Viv for example is one of the strongest people I know, along with my mother. They are, and have had, to deal with things that I honestly hope I will never have to. My opinion of them, along with quite a few other people I know, cannot reach higher limits. It does remind me of just how much I have taken for granted during my life.

In saying that though, I know I have come through a lot in life, dealing with an abusive relationship while I was still young, finding out I have a mental disorder that no one seems to know much about, along with a form of dyslexia. I'm not complaining, or whinging about how I wish my life was perfect, as I once would have, because I have come to the realisationg that no one's life is perfect, and I do know that there are people out there who go through a lot more than I ever will. But this is my life, and what has happened in the past has shaped who I am today. I hope it has changed me for the better, but I don't think I am in a position to say that is true. Perhaps in five years, ten years, I can look back and say that I have been changed for the better, but I am too close to the action at this point in time.

Oh wow... I didn't realise I had so much to say... I am an hour away from my last class for the day, I'm getting psyched up for Lady Gaga tonight, my dancing workshop with some work friends tomorrow night, and a cruise on Sunday afternoon... Busy busy Easter!

And with much ado...

It took a lot of considering, but I did finally come to the conclusion that I needed to change my minor studies. I was doing Drama, but I didn't have the energy for it. Coupled with working most nights, drama was taking too much out of me. I was too tired, too grumpy, and that only made things worse for me.

So, I bit the bullet and decided that I had to make a change before I ended up too tired, too upset, and lost my motivation for Uni altogether. Part of me feels guilty, though. I loved Drama, and I feel bad about quitting something that was really fun. I know it all came down to me either changing things around entirely, or dropping it for something less physically-demanding. (On a side-note, this is another reason why I have decided not to have children. I don't have the energy for a Uni course, how can I keep up with a kid??)

Add that to being made to feel like an idiot at home (only sometimes, and normally when I *am* acting like one), and it's just a whole recipe for disaster. I don't know how to act around some people anymore, I don't know what to say that's not going to get me into trouble (so to speak). I just wish things were as uncomplicated for me now as they were when I was 13. Obviously, this isn't going to happen, but I can wish can't I?

I know I need to find another way to vent everything, but when all you want to do is lay on the floor, yelling, crying, and screaming at the world... nothing else seems as good, somehow. This is the sad bit - I don't even have the energy to do any painting other than the stuff we've been set during my art class at Uni!

University... tell me why?

Oh God... would someone *please* remind me why I thought going to Uni was a good idea? So far, all I've gotten out of it has been stress, worry, and a huge paycut.

I know all the stuff about 'just think where you will end up?', 'Nothing is worth it if you don't have to work for it'... but right at this moment, I don't know if it will be worth it. Yes, for the next four years I will be doing what I love to do, as in my art, but even the art side of things is stressful. I don't know if what I am doing is right, I've actually begun to doubt myself for the first time since I started drawing and painting.

I used to do all the traditional stuff, 'proper' paintings, pencil sketches, and the like, before I found a way to properly express my feelings and emotions. A lot of traditional artists paint because they like to create something, because what they are making will sell. They don't mind selling their work, because it's not part of themselves.

My art... my art is my emotions at their most raw form. My paintings are angry, confronting, and not pleasant to look at. Unless, of course, you are into that sort of thing. How do I change my frame of mind and remember back to painting for the purely pleasant experience of making something pretty?

We have just had to make a series of work. Each one of us in the class was given some words, and everything had to relate back to those words. My words were 'foundation', 'fire', and 'green'. There were others in the class who did really intricate drawings, presentations, and objects. Mine were all simple, which granted is what the Tutor asked for... but it made me feel really self conscious. Does this mean that my mind isn't as good as the others in my class? Does it mean that my art work isn't as good as everyone elses?

This is my problem. I like classes where there is a wrong or right answer, very black and white. Art doesn't have this stability, so in reality, there is no wrong answer, but we are conditioned to think that there is.

Art is, obviously, my major. Drama is my minor, and I'm actually considering changing it to something else. I have no idea what. English is too structured for me, and I barely passed at school. Maths... well, numbers are NOT my friends. History... maybe, but I don't know if I will stick with it. There's always Home Economics, but again... is it going to work for me?

I need a minor. I need to work out what I can face doing for the rest of my life, and so far, all I can come up with is Art. Media isn't really a viable minor for me, since its a very broad subject. It would be great if Media was my Major, and Art my minor, but I love the art side of things way too much.

Well.. now that's written down, I'm just way to confused. And I could regret this later on.