It took a lot of considering, but I did finally come to the conclusion that I needed to change my minor studies. I was doing Drama, but I didn't have the energy for it. Coupled with working most nights, drama was taking too much out of me. I was too tired, too grumpy, and that only made things worse for me.
So, I bit the bullet and decided that I had to make a change before I ended up too tired, too upset, and lost my motivation for Uni altogether. Part of me feels guilty, though. I loved Drama, and I feel bad about quitting something that was really fun. I know it all came down to me either changing things around entirely, or dropping it for something less physically-demanding. (On a side-note, this is another reason why I have decided not to have children. I don't have the energy for a Uni course, how can I keep up with a kid??)
Add that to being made to feel like an idiot at home (only sometimes, and normally when I *am* acting like one), and it's just a whole recipe for disaster. I don't know how to act around some people anymore, I don't know what to say that's not going to get me into trouble (so to speak). I just wish things were as uncomplicated for me now as they were when I was 13. Obviously, this isn't going to happen, but I can wish can't I?
I know I need to find another way to vent everything, but when all you want to do is lay on the floor, yelling, crying, and screaming at the world... nothing else seems as good, somehow. This is the sad bit - I don't even have the energy to do any painting other than the stuff we've been set during my art class at Uni!
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
University... tell me why?
Oh God... would someone *please* remind me why I thought going to Uni was a good idea? So far, all I've gotten out of it has been stress, worry, and a huge paycut.
I know all the stuff about 'just think where you will end up?', 'Nothing is worth it if you don't have to work for it'... but right at this moment, I don't know if it will be worth it. Yes, for the next four years I will be doing what I love to do, as in my art, but even the art side of things is stressful. I don't know if what I am doing is right, I've actually begun to doubt myself for the first time since I started drawing and painting.
I used to do all the traditional stuff, 'proper' paintings, pencil sketches, and the like, before I found a way to properly express my feelings and emotions. A lot of traditional artists paint because they like to create something, because what they are making will sell. They don't mind selling their work, because it's not part of themselves.
My art... my art is my emotions at their most raw form. My paintings are angry, confronting, and not pleasant to look at. Unless, of course, you are into that sort of thing. How do I change my frame of mind and remember back to painting for the purely pleasant experience of making something pretty?
We have just had to make a series of work. Each one of us in the class was given some words, and everything had to relate back to those words. My words were 'foundation', 'fire', and 'green'. There were others in the class who did really intricate drawings, presentations, and objects. Mine were all simple, which granted is what the Tutor asked for... but it made me feel really self conscious. Does this mean that my mind isn't as good as the others in my class? Does it mean that my art work isn't as good as everyone elses?
This is my problem. I like classes where there is a wrong or right answer, very black and white. Art doesn't have this stability, so in reality, there is no wrong answer, but we are conditioned to think that there is.
Art is, obviously, my major. Drama is my minor, and I'm actually considering changing it to something else. I have no idea what. English is too structured for me, and I barely passed at school. Maths... well, numbers are NOT my friends. History... maybe, but I don't know if I will stick with it. There's always Home Economics, but again... is it going to work for me?
I need a minor. I need to work out what I can face doing for the rest of my life, and so far, all I can come up with is Art. Media isn't really a viable minor for me, since its a very broad subject. It would be great if Media was my Major, and Art my minor, but I love the art side of things way too much.
Well.. now that's written down, I'm just way to confused. And I could regret this later on.
I know all the stuff about 'just think where you will end up?', 'Nothing is worth it if you don't have to work for it'... but right at this moment, I don't know if it will be worth it. Yes, for the next four years I will be doing what I love to do, as in my art, but even the art side of things is stressful. I don't know if what I am doing is right, I've actually begun to doubt myself for the first time since I started drawing and painting.
I used to do all the traditional stuff, 'proper' paintings, pencil sketches, and the like, before I found a way to properly express my feelings and emotions. A lot of traditional artists paint because they like to create something, because what they are making will sell. They don't mind selling their work, because it's not part of themselves.
My art... my art is my emotions at their most raw form. My paintings are angry, confronting, and not pleasant to look at. Unless, of course, you are into that sort of thing. How do I change my frame of mind and remember back to painting for the purely pleasant experience of making something pretty?
We have just had to make a series of work. Each one of us in the class was given some words, and everything had to relate back to those words. My words were 'foundation', 'fire', and 'green'. There were others in the class who did really intricate drawings, presentations, and objects. Mine were all simple, which granted is what the Tutor asked for... but it made me feel really self conscious. Does this mean that my mind isn't as good as the others in my class? Does it mean that my art work isn't as good as everyone elses?
This is my problem. I like classes where there is a wrong or right answer, very black and white. Art doesn't have this stability, so in reality, there is no wrong answer, but we are conditioned to think that there is.
Art is, obviously, my major. Drama is my minor, and I'm actually considering changing it to something else. I have no idea what. English is too structured for me, and I barely passed at school. Maths... well, numbers are NOT my friends. History... maybe, but I don't know if I will stick with it. There's always Home Economics, but again... is it going to work for me?
I need a minor. I need to work out what I can face doing for the rest of my life, and so far, all I can come up with is Art. Media isn't really a viable minor for me, since its a very broad subject. It would be great if Media was my Major, and Art my minor, but I love the art side of things way too much.
Well.. now that's written down, I'm just way to confused. And I could regret this later on.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
